Friday, December 26, 2008

X-mas in Dallas

AH, the blog. Perpetual home of my loneliness. It is embarrassing how I come here when I haven't another place to go. I am stuck at my sister's house - alone. This is a strange place to be when no one is around. The electricity went out in the kitchen for about 8 hours and so I had to unplug the microwave from the kitchen and move it to the hallway so I could cook scrambled eggs for dinner. Plus, I scrapped my bare big toe on the concrete of the driveway as my sister left to go out of town to visit her friend. It took a big chunk of toenail and skin off and it still hurts like hell. I left toe-blood on the hood of her car before she pulled out and left me with no band aids and no car and my youngest niece who cried because I had promised to take her to the park up the road. I wanted to go for a walk so badly. I need those endorphins today. But my toe is fucked.
I was supposed to be going to my high school reunion tonight, but my old friends were all too drunk to pick me up from the suburbs by the time I got my niece off with her dad. My older niece is at her friend's lake house and now I am alone here after a week and a half of constant family time. I am in for the night, make-up done, new Christmas clothes on, a box of wine for company, and I feel like shit. My toe hurts. I can hardly remember who or what I am.
Two weeks is a damn long time, friends. Not having the money to pay rent is on my mind. I forget how much work there still is to do in Cali. I feel like a particularly large failure right now. I mean, I don't even have a car, much less any savings. I am single. I've never been published. I am overweight and too reliant on feeling intoxicated. I picked up and left all the people I love in Colorado. My phone doesn't work right and so phone conversations suck on so many levels. Yes, this is the after-Christmas blues. This is the "feeling sorry for myself" post. This sucks. Plus, my grandma's dead. And I miss her. It feels like Dallas isn't mine anymore. I feel like a fake. But I'm no Coloradan or Californian either. How did this happen?
I had the most wonderful day with my mom and sister when I first got here. We went to the movies and they paid for me, without even arguing about it. It was like heaven. I kept wondering what had changed. No fights. Just generosity and relaxation. Folks, it lasted one whole day. And while Amee and I have had more fun together than any time in recent history, it has all gone to hell. My mother is pretty much the most depressed person I have ever known. My friends here don't seem to give a damn about me anymore. Correction: not in a way they can show. And everyone drinks so fucking much. I'm drunk right now, for God's sake! Oh, I am a miserable Dallas bitch right now. I cannot wait to go home and be in my own room with my own journal and my own altar and my own bed. My life feels pretty silly from this spot here. I don't know what makes sense, is worth while, counts for anything.
More wine now. And the cuddly kitten my sister recently adopted. I try not to watch cable. Please get me home quickly! Christmas *cheer*.


Emily said...

xoxo. Hang in there, lovie. Keep writing, keep talking. You're magnificant.

Emily Joye said...

You know what's funny?

I fucking LOVED this post. I love when people tell the ugly truth. An honest voice--how liberating.

Going "home" for the holidays is hard. Zadie Smith does a good job of elucidating the mythical nature of "home" in White Teeth. And sorry about your toe.

Thanks for putting your groans out in this cyber-spacial mess. I hope we meet one day. Something tells me I could get down with you. In the meantime, I'll just keep reading.


Michelle Puckett said...

double emilys! wow! thanks so much, u sweet women. and emily joye, yes, we will totally meet. tai amri is my brother and he will, i'm sure, do the honors.

Michelle Puckett said...

Well fuuuuuck you den!!! ;-/

Im sowwy your pinche toe hurts and Im sorry My breaker blew in the kitchen. But i've had so much fun with you and daaaaaamn mama. Fah-get that ho.

I think it's been good one in spite of your evening of solitude.


Michelle Puckett said...

that last one is from my sis, she just did it on my computer while i was still logged in. ha.

A DiPietra said...

hi love buckett, just checking in, briefly coming out of a fla haze late in the night while my family sleeps. thinking of you, the amazing usic you gave me that i packed too.....

savor the weirdness of being back in the good ole south, document it any way you can and that will help you reposition yourself satisfactorily to the things/images that you feel strnaged from...i think.

let's go dancing when i get back!